Beloved friends, this blog started out as a WhatsApp message to a treasured sister of mine who is currently going through a very depressing and bewildering time.
I knew it was going to be a long message, so I was drafting it out in my iPhone Notes in order to then cut and paste it in about 8 small parts.
Ha, well as I got into the flow, I realised that not only is this is becoming a ‘novel’, but that other people could be blessed by this also.
So, I’m sharing it here, but if you find it is too long a blog for you to read, that’s okay because it was originally penned solely for this dear sister of mine and she shall be given a link to it.
Therefore, if she’s only one who gets anything out of it, that’s fine.
*Amanda, I’m concerned about you. Please don’t allow yourself to become like that man in that programme we watched years ago, about the French psychiatric care home. The one where they were practising the play and rehearsing the lines,
“Les tableaux de Lord Blotton.”
I don’t know if you remember, but there was a sweet natured man sitting outside on the bench. He had been very intelligent in the outside world, but grew to find it impossible to exist in the current demanding society.
He looked at the cameraman at one point and said,
“I feel safe in here – I don’t ever want to leave.”
Then he pointed directly at the camera and said,
“You made me like this! It’s because of you why I am in here!”
Alas, the stresses of life had got to him and caused him to buckle. People had been selfish, mean, sarcastic, critical, unhelpful, arrogant and unsympathetic. He didn’t feel warmth in human nature – he felt the bitter sting of unkindness and he could no longer cope with it.
Every morning I am bombarded with the temptation to think about each thing I can see in front of me that makes me feel sad, uncomfortable, worried and hopeless. It also makes me feel like a failure – like I cannot do anything to progress.
I keep the clothes that I’m wearing for the day in a pillowcase so that I can just pick it up and take it straight to our bathroom. Every room is freezing cold, but that one makes me feel less like I’m getting changed in a freezer room.
Please, please, please don’t misunderstand – I am not feeling sorry for myself, neither am I in resentment towards the fact that we are doing everything we can to keep expensive fuel bills down. Our system is working and we were even £200 in credit recently because we had done all these fuel-saving activities. I’m loving finding alternative ways to survive and I always think of those millions of people who have nowhere warm to sleep at night.
All I’m saying is, from the time I wake up, there are things that are throwing themselves against my mind to try and make me respond to my feelings and give them too much attention.
But I refuse to be led by these things! Each time the thought of doing something causes me strain, I rise up in the strength of God’s word and in the strength of the blood of Jesus Christ, my mind becomes strong and I do what I have to do without grimacing – without pondering on how I’m feeling, or how it’s tempting me to feel.
Trust me when I say I am worse than you when it comes to having to make telephone calls to ‘important’ places.
I am angry and stressed before I’ve even picked up the phone. I’m preparing for a fight and I’m screaming inside, expecting the worst.
But 100% of the time, it gets me nowhere because inevitably, I will get through to the wrong person, I will be passed around from pillar to post, I will end up with somebody who doesn’t know what I’m talking about and who passes me back through to the first person, and it is unimaginably frustrating.
So because of this, I know that what you’re going through is really horrendous. It is one thing piled on top another and I understand why it’s driving you crazy.
On top of this, I also know that you probably only tell me a quarter of the things that drive you mad daily and a tenth of the frustrating encounters you have at that ‘second place of work’.
This morning while I was refusing to allow my earthly circumstances to get to me, I felt the Holy Spirit say, “Trust in the Lord, for he is a refuge for us. Trust in the Lord, trust in the Lord, trust in the Lord…”
Oh, there are so many verses that begin, ‘Trust in the Lord…’ and you can pick any one – and even if that’s the only one you know, that will see you through the day.
Then I make myself declare, “I am not rising to this. I’m not rising to my feelings, I’m not pondering on my circumstances and what I see in the natural! The Lord has promised that he will protect me. The Lord has promised that he’s my healer, the Lord has promised that he’s my guide, the Lord has promised to give me wisdom, the Lord has promised that he hears me when I call to him, the Lord has promised that he sings songs of joy over me, that he’s my shade on my right hand, that he’s given me a hope and a future, that he leads me beside the still waters, that when he will take me up when parental figures are unable to, that he will give me peace.
He sees everything, everything.
This helped me to rip off my warm garments and stand there in the freezing cold while I put my first chilly polyester layer around my bare body.
(I don’t do thermals, so please don’t go there)
This helped me to go downstairs in my 5 layers (praise God for onesies!) touch the cold door handles and make a cup of tea while rubbing my fingers to make them go from yellow, back to pink again. This helped me to bless my family members with a sincere word of encouragement while totally forgetting about how I’m feeling.
It helped me to think about all the things I had to do and just go, “That stresses me out because I’m overwhelmed at where to start, but by the grace of God, it will be done whenever.”
When we got in the car, it suddenly hit me that this victorious Christian living that we are all fighting to maintain, is what was partly described in the ‘Armour of God’ verses.
I realised that I am fighting the enemy with the word of God, and it works. I realise I am defending myself with the word of God, and it works. I am holding myself up with the truth, and it works!
Yes, without realising it, I have been using my sword and my shield and my belt all at once and that is what has maintained my sanity and helped me to go forward and face all the things in life that have been thrown in my direction.
So my beloved sister, I know you know all this, but we have been put on this earth to encourage each other. We have been put on this earth to think about the needs of others, not just that of our own. We’ve been put on this earth to be used by God to help bring others out of the pit, to the top of the valley, to the bottom of the mountain, to the pinnacle.
I realise full well, that yesterday I gave you the type of Christian platitudes that one does not need at that moment in time. So often we give each other what we think are words of encouragement, but really they can be a slap in the face because all we’re needing at that moment is for that person to listen to our screams and say,
“I’m sorry! I’m sorry this is happening to you. I’m here for you to scream at me. I’m here for you to cry on my shoulder and I want you to know I support you and I’m praying for you and you will get through this.”
So, I put this pen down now and I pray for you. I stand in the gap and ask the Lord to remind you of his wonderful promises, because I know that these words of truth will truly help you survive the next few days as you prepare to pick up that phone again and attempt to ring the doctors surgery.
Oh the dread of it! Oh the joys of knowing that the Holy Spirit is your comforter and that you wont be tackling this alone.
And in the words of our dear Amy, who once upon a time was singing not for attention, but to bless young believers:
“In a little while will be with the Father, can’t you see him smile!
In a little while will be home forever – in a while!
We’re just here to learn to love him.
We’ll be home in just a little while.”
Love you as always,
Beat Depression & Anxiety 